You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you. (Isaiah 26:3)
A few years ago, I became severely depressed. One day I will write more about it in detail, but for now suffice it to say that I would go places, and wonder how everyone could enjoy being alive. Couldn’t they feel this pain?
I felt like I lived underwater where everything was a shade darker, and in slow motion.
None are immune, even if you faithfully attend church, stay connected in community, and have incredibly loving friends and family. Many people don’t even have that, and I feel ridiculous to admit that it was still possible for a strange indescribable darkness to take over my life.
I was battling dozens of fears, regrets, mournings, unprocessed emotions from childhood to the present day all tangled up together in one massive knot. Couple that with believing lies about myself and my world, and you have one confused and pathetic girl who did not trust in God’s faithfulness.
There was nowhere to go but to wait on the Lord and trust that my “state” would not last. To be honest, I never saw the light at the end of the tunnel until it was upon me. I remember a conversation I had with a godly friend during that confusing time. He told me lovingly, but still quite bluntly, that I needed to “Snap out of it”. He said that I was being selfish by focusing inward, and that I needed to focus outside of myself.
Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal. (Isaiah 26:4)
This couldn’t be further from my comfort zone. I was hurting, how could you ever suggest that I for one second DARE take my focus off of maintaining my precarious balance between life and death? The slightest movement might send me plummeting down to my death!
It is so easy to fall into false thinking, believing lies that are masked as truth. Because I was focusing on myself so much, I became myopic and I wasn’t trusting God to take care of me.
He has promised to keep us in perfect peace. The more I meditate on that intensely dark time, the more I realize how he has loved me. I rejoice in my God because he has saved this pathetic girl full of stubborn and selfish pride. Now I truly know the meaning of these words:
Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws,
we wait for you;
your name and renown
are the desire of our hearts.
My soul yearns for you in the night;
in the morning my spirit longs for you. (Isaiah 26:8-9)