Anxiety is not too big for God

I am starting to experience the first of probably many anxiety dreams about having this new baby. Over the weekend two dreams carried a common theme, both of control and loss of control. In my waking thought life I understand intellectually that I will make various mistakes when handling this new little person, but I also am confident that I will get the hang of it. I’m not that worried when I’m awake. However, my dream life paints a different picture. Here’s a little taste from my journal:

I dreamed I was babysitting my 6 year old nephew and allowed some lady I didn’t know, but who claimed to be a professional, cut his hair. As she began he chopped chunks off here and there until he was partially bald in several spots. I was horrified, anticipating what my sister in law would say, since she is also a hairstylist. (Why was I getting his hair cut in the first place?) I angrily took him home and as I attempted to strap him in his car seat, he became an infant and fell right out of the car, hitting the curb and rolling into the gutter. Suddenly it was my own baby that I was holding close and kissing, apologizing to her over and over again. I couldn’t believe how I had allowed this all to happen under my supervision.

And then the following night, I dreamed I was caring for a salamander and a frog. In efforts to keep them safe, I held on to them firmly in my hand until I could place them in a larger tank. When I opened my hand, I realized to my horror that I had been holding on so tight that I had actually dismembered the poor frog at the midsection. The legs and some organs fell through my fingers and I woke up in a state of panic and sadness at the pain I had caused.

In the Bible, dreams are used by God to communicate to us, sometimes by clear instruction or else by symbolism. (See Genesis 37, Daniel 2, Matthew 1, etc.) As for myself, I’m not sure I am capable of discerning whether my dreams come from God. All I know is that the fear and anxiety I face at night may be what lies just beneath the surface of my distracted day times.

It makes me wonder about the mystery of our minds and sub consciousnesses, and whether there lurk other thoughts and emotions which I cannot consciously access.

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

What does it mean that His Word is living and active? First, we now that the Word is also the name given to Jesus at the beginning of the book of John: “In the beginning the was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (John 1:1). Jesus will also be the one in the last times to judge: “Then I saw Heaven opened, and a white horse was standing there. Its rider was named Faithful and True, for he judges fairly and wages a righteous war… He wore a robe dipped in blood and his title was the Word of God” (Revelation 19:11,13).

It is not just referring to the fact that the literal “words” of the Bible which are inspired by the Spirit of God to be recorded by men, are wise and life-giving. We take these things for granted. But there is another dimension altogether that we often miss when trudging through our verse-a-day Bible checklists.

I think His word is described as living and active, for a simple reason – that God is living and active in our lives. He IS his own Word and He cannot betray Himself.

Jesus admitted that he had so much more to say to us, but lacked enough Earthly time. Instead he comforted us by sending the Spirit to carry on: “When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come” (John 16:13).

We must also consider the passage in context. Hebrews 4:13 goes on to warn us not to get too comfortable in our salvation. If we stop pursuing God because we believe are “good to go” to enter Heaven, our attitudes have changed. We no longer rely on Jesus’s mercy, but have now switched over to reliance on our self assuredness.

As long as we are alive on Earth we are still able to reject our own salvation. We must sill keep sober watch over our hearts, thoughts, actions, and attitudes.

Not a creature exists that is concealed from His sight, but all things are open and exposed, and revealed to the eyes of Him with whom we have to give account.

Hebrews 4:13

So as long as I remain always turning toward God and His will for me, even though disobedient trips and falls, and how I might appear to others, I can rest assured that He knows the inner motives and attitudes of my heart. PHEW! What mercy and comfort in knowing this! I am giving this fear of messing up as a mother way too much credit. The fear is there, but so is God.